In public, at least, no one on the planet calls anyone Snookums, Sugar Bear, Babelicious, Muffin, and a host of other awful, almost-extinct pet names. But there are still some names that have survived and are in common use around me. Just this past weekend I was called three of these, much to my chagrin.

I was standing at the bar at The Saloon in town, minding my own Pino-O, when a good-looking young man behind me said, “Excuse me, Sweetheart. Can I get past you?” To which I exclaimed, mostly in surprise because I am about 0% sweet, “Sweetheart! Wo-ah!” He just looked at me like I was nuts. Happens.

Then, I got a short email from another strapping young man who addressed me as Darling. Darling? The last person I heard use that term was aspiring to be a true-life Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. (She did not succeed, by the way.)

Finally, on Sunday night, an older, but still fun, hip, and normal woman kept calling me Hun. Last time I looked in the mirror, I did not look like a member of a marauding, nomadic Asiatic tribe.

I can understand why people would use a generic term of endearment when they forget someone’s name or never knew it in the first place. But why? Just omit the direct reference: “Will you please pass the donut?” Or make up something clever and crafty that suits the person specifically. For example, the hottie in the Saloon could have called me something obvious like “Pine-O sipper” or “hot buns” (sorry- just need to feel like my pilates is paying off) instead of Sweetheart. Or, if he must call people he doesn’t’ know Sweetheart, at least use a Humphrey Bogart accent.

So that chronic pet-namers could have some universally applicable substitutions for the sickly sweet (and inapplicable) names they currently use, I have devised a carefully thought-out list:

“Excuse me, Homo.” (short for homo sapiens, which all humans are)
“Please pass the salt, Masticator.” (unless that person’s jaw is wired shut)
“Hey, you.” (can’t lose with the 2nd person)
“Take me to your leader, Earthling.” (soooo much better than Darling, and true!)

Now you might be thinking, “Surely you can’t be serious.”
I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

I have taken the new Flyaway bus once both from the Irvine Metrolink
station to LAX and from LAX to the Irvine Station. It was brilliant.
There was either no one or one other person on board. There is free
parking at the Irvine Station. The cost is $25, which you pay on board
with a credit or debit card. The bus is clean and new. It is nonstop
to or from your terminal. But it runs every 4 hours. So, depending
on your flight times, it may entail some down time at LAX, which is
not exactly the most fun airport I have ever visited.

In order to avoid about two hours of waiting around at LAX for the Flyaway (after
traveling 36 hours to get there), I had the half-brained idea to take
public transportation back to Irvine. And I had one quite large roller bag.
Here’s how it went:

2:01 PM – exited Tom Bradley Int’l terminal
2:10 PM – caught GREENLINE bus to MTA Green Line Station
2:22 PM – purchased ticket for $1.25
2:32 PM – boarded MTA Green Line to Norwalk
3:04 PM – exited Green Line and boarded Norwalk Bus 4 for the 2 mile
journey to the Metrolink (free)
3:16 PM – arrived Norwalk Metrolink Station and bought ticket for $7.75
3:44 PM – boarded Metrolink to Irvine Station
4:30 PM – arrived Irvine Station and was at my car at 4:32 PM.

It is no wonder no one takes public transportation to the airport!
The biggest problem in this whole equation is the Green Line. After
untold millions of dollars in building it, it goes from nowhere to
nowhere. When originally planned, it was supposed to go the extra 2
miles to LAX, but there were airport renovations going on, so it was
postponed. Speaking of posts, you can even see the posts toward LAX
where it was planned to run. And it ends in Norwalk (yes Norwalk)
about two miles from the Metrolink station, where one might be able to
connect with Amtrak and Metrolink lines to plenty of other destinations
in Southern California. Dumb, dumb, dumb. It was almost as if they
wanted to use millions of dollars of taxpayer money to say, “See, it
doesn’t work!”

In summary, the Flyaway Bus is a definite thumbs up. If more people
use it, they will run more frequent shuttles. The MTA Green Line is
on the Dumb List. It will continue to be a waste of taxpayer money
until they connect it to both LAX and to the Metrolink.

With vast differences in arrival and destination temperatures, confusing and costly excess baggage charges, and general pain-in-the-butt factors in the TSA screening lines, choosing what to wear to the airport this winter will get a trip off on the right- or wrong- foot. These tips and guidelines should help travelers be more comfortable, prevent excess baggage fees, and keep everyone moving quickly through security checks.

Consider the difference in temperature of your destination.
If going to a warm place, can you avoid taking your overcoat and accompanying scarves, gloves, boots? Consider leaving them at home, or in the car at the airport, and instead layering up. You can always ditch a layer into your checked or carry-on bag when you get to the airport, if you left room. Plus, when you arrive, you can remove another layer and be comfortable from the time you exit the plane.

If you are going to a cold place, instead of packing them, wear your coat and hat, scarves, gloves, boots. It can slow you down a little in the TSA screening, but it can save you some excess baggage fees. Just use the pockets of the coat to hold the accessories to help speed your progress through the security check. Plus, airplanes are so cold this time of the year, so your jacket can double as a blanket in case the cost-cutting airlines do not provide any on your flight.

A great travel trick is to use a pashmina or similar wrap as a blanket, scarf and jacket throughout your trip, unless you are a straight male, in which case a Mexican serape (poncho) could work, albeit a bit bulky.

Select items carefully knowing you might have to remove them for security checks.
Boots that take a personal assistant to get on or off are a bad option to wear to the airport, especially when you remember your limbs tend to swell when traveling. Lots of jewelry and accessories can also slow you (and the rest of the line) down, and you run the risk of losing some of it in the removal/replacement process. Men might want to consider some sort of murse/man bag/computer bag that can safely carry all of the items you normally try and stash in your pockets: phone, change, wallet, sandwiches, etc. Then you can have all of your items for the cabin in one easy-to-access place. And, for your mother’s sake, make sure your socks are hole-free!

Protect your clothes and your image with underarm sweat guards.
Inside, outside, hot, cold, jetways, runways. All those temperature changes mean that you are going to get a little sweaty from time to time. Nobody likes being the smelly person on the plane (and no one wants to sit next to the smelly person on the plane), and nobody likes hauling around dirty clothes. Try this trick: apply disposable underarm shields to clothing before you leave home. Know that even when you are struggling to get your carry-on into the overhead bins that you will not be flashing sweat stains to your seatmates. When you finally get to your destination, you can remove and toss the used pads, and maybe, if turbulence did not cause your beverage to spill onto your shirt, you can wear it again, having saved valuable space in your baggage. (Garment Guard disposable underarm shields, 5 pairs for $10.95 at solutionsthatstick.com)

We all agree that unsolicited email is a drain. Thankfully, technology such as spam filters keep out the obvious offenders, and the ability to turn off images spares us from raunchy photos that could slip through the filters. It wasn’t until yesterday, when I discovered an old email account I thought had been deactivated, that I realized I actually missed spam. I could not believe it myself, but I quickly went through a thousand subject lines and was giggling to myself at (1) the ridiculous translations into English, (2) the accusations that my penis was waaaayyyy too small , (3) the amount of cheap meds available, and (4) the pervasiveness of cheap “Authentic” watches.

So, to celebrate the phenomenon of this decade that replaced the car alarm as the single most annoying part of our daily lives, I have selected my favorite spam subject lines so all of you with great filters in place don not have to miss out on the fun. My comments are in parentheses.

ErectileorganHumongousFern (good. I was looking for large, stiff plants.)

If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war (better talk to Eros about this one)

PuffyBodypartMadelyn (That Madelyn and her goiter!)

Jessica: (laughs) if aDick is very little, I’m like “Eeeeuuu…” (I didn’t add the “laughs.” (laughs))

Olny this 5 days special price on pharma for you dear customer (That doesn’t sound foreign at all.)

Now you can even parade your penis. (Just imagine it in the Rose Parade, right after Mountain View High School’s Marching Band)

DustyOutsizedErectileorgan (Dusty? Maybe it has been doing the parade route too long.)

Re:Fight for your success with a maid of your dream (Success in cleaning houses?)

You won’t need to hit your bank accounts to buy classy accessories! (We all know what happened last time I hit my bank accounts- they filed assault and battery charges)

increase your wife/gf 1-2 CUP-size LargerBreast Boobies 03kwpr327lqf (Who doesn’t want to increase her wife?)

Beat her womb with your new big rod, so that she knew who wears the pants! (So were you beating her womb while wearing pants?)

This is not a smoke stack but a real company (Whew! I get those two confused sometimes.)

21st century is the century for big penises. (Oh. I thought it was the century for technology. My bad.)

Communism (‘nuf said.)

Surprise your boyfriend/hubby, LARGER your SmallBreast ef9hna1mgntr (LARGER your budget for proper translations!)

I sexual Russian blonde, want to see, come closer. (I got so sick of those asexual Russian blondes.)

Now, if we could only tweak the filters so only the funny ones pass through…

You started off the new year with resolutions for better health, but you have now found that your daily run interferes with your coffee run, your healthy eating has created some healthy odors, and you miss your smoking buddies. Fear not! Solutions exist to keep you on track with your goals for the year without compromising your regular routine.

Storing your money on the go with Pocksie. Rectangle boob is not an option, and the barista looks at you with disgust when you hand over sweaty bills you have just pulled out of your bra, shoe, or ??? Keep on good terms with your local coffee shop/bakery/mini mart by using Pocksie temporary sticky pockets. Just peel off and stick to the inside of your shirt or shorts and create an instant pocket just big enough to hold ID, credit card, some notes, and a key. 6 pockets are $9.95 at www.pocksie.com

Neutralizing the odor caused by your healthy eating with Subtle Butt. Is your newfound vegetarianism is creating a newfound noxious odor around your derriere? While your body adjusts to its new stream of raw veggies, stick a Subtle Butt disposable gas neutralizer in your underwear. Each 3.25” square absorbs and neutralizes foul odors so you can keep you your healthy eating and keep your friends, too. “And they really work,” says Annie Beiner, Sales Director for the company. “I’m not just an employee, but a satisfied customer!” 5 saving graces are $11.95 at www.subtlebutt.com

Quitting (or starting) smoking with Blu electric cigarettes. Smoking can be very social and a good networking tool. Quitting means losing relationships you have built over a series of seven-minute sessions. And starting smoking just to gain those relationships is hazardous to your health and pocketbook. Thanks to Blu electric cigarettes, you can have that social connection, breaks from the daily grind, and no unhealthy effects. They are cheaper, tobacco-free, and come in tasty flavors with no nicotine or small levels of it, if you are interested in weaning off the real stuff. Jesse Chou of Laguna Beach loves the sensation of having a cigarette in his fingers. “I enjoy my time slipping out to the patio for a smoke, but there is a real wow factor among friends and co-workers when I pull this out at the table after a meal and have a few puffs without offending anyone.” A rechargeable starter pack is $59.95 at www.blucigs.com

So why try and change your routine when these few little gizmos will make staying healthy so much easier? Cheers to a great 2010.

The Dumb List #4: Using Airline Miles

I thought I had figured out how to earn miles on airlines. I flew exclusively on one airline and its partners. I got the credit card. I booked online. I signed up for double mileage offers. I ended up with oodles of miles that I couldn’t use- because they wouldn’t let me.

So I had to figure out another system (that still manages to foil my best laid travel plans): how to get where you want to go using your hard-earned miles. Persistence, friend.

Make smart travel decisions: If you are trying to go to a popular vacation destination, like Hawaii, where everyone wants to use their miles, book as early as they allow bookings. The same holds true if you want to travel with more than one or two people on mileage awards. Also, if you want to go from LAX to JFK, why would you use miles? Tickets are cheap and you can earn miles when you have purchased the ticket; you don’t earn miles when you are flying on mileage awards. So try use them on flights where the tickets would be expensive.

Look online, but don’t be afraid to call: The online award travel booking system is not perfect, especially when it comes to partner airlines. Look and see what is available online, but then call and see if the agent can get you something better by trying combinations they don’t offer online. You don’t have to pay a fee until you make a booking, and even if you do, the $15 live person booking fee is worth it to get to go when/where you want.

If at first you don’t succeed, try a different agent: You have no idea if the agent on the other end of the phone is trying all possibilities. Ask them to try other connecting cities or other classes of service. If you don’t think they are exhausting all options, thank them, then call back and try with someone else. What are the odds of getting the same agent twice in a row?

Be flexible: if you are saving $2000 on the purchase of a ticket, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to fly to an airport 200 miles away and pay for a train or short-hop to get to your final destination.

Reserve something and keep trying to change it: If you can find the departure you want, but not the return, hold it for as long as you can and call back every day to see if something has opened up. Different airlines release seats at different intervals, and other people cancel or change reservations, so you never know what will open up.

Be nice: I know it is frustrating, but it’s not the call center agent’s fault. Being polite and cordial goes a long way to having someone go the extra mile to try some clever routing. And they won’t hear it when you scream profanities at the airline for not letting you use your miles- after you have thanked them for their help and hung up.

After all the flag-waving and red, white & blue of this past weekend, I started to feel my patriotism return.  At one point, to my dismay, I realized that we were decorated with cheap foreign-made kitsch, drinking Russian vodka, and watching fireworks made in China.  (Sadly, there is just one sparkler manufacturer left in the USA. www.fireworks.com)

I have several friends who have shut down their business in the past year because they couldn’t survive.  They were in the apparel business and manufactured all of their goods in the USA.  The designs were beautiful, and they received a large amount of press coverage.  Sure, their prices were high, but they were about even with other upscale lines.  However, at the end of the day, neither of them could sell enough volume to cover their costs.  And the loss didn’t stop with them, but was also felt by their suppliers.

It’s easy for us to sit around and complain about the economy, but here are some easy things we can do to help the US out of our slump.  (If you are already doing this, then feel free to complain all you want!)

Check the Label:  Get in the habit of checking the tags on possible purchases.  If it is not made in the USA, pass.  Remember that every item made in the USA supports more than the company that manufacturers it.  It supports domestic freight companies, domestic materials suppliers, domestic box manufacturers, etc.  And don’t just dis’ China, but forego the European stuff, too.

Support American Businesses:  Yes, we all love Target, which is an American company, based in good-old Minneapolis.  However, a big portion of what they sell isn’t made in the US.  But there are still items that are.  I’m not saying you have to break up with your favorite retailer, but I am encouraging you to send a message to them that their best customers are choosing domestic goods.

There are great small domestic businesses, too, which I think are waaaay more hip.  I love to buy gifts for others from my friends’ companies, which really is the gift that keeps on giving. 

Some local shout outs:
soft and sexy loungewear www.sheandme.com (www.sheandme.com),
gorgeous pants www.ursandj.com (www.ursandj.com),
the best bikinis www.mynicolita.com (www.mynicolita.com), and
Solutions that Stick (www.solutionsthatstick.com).

Stop Buying Crap:  Really.  How much stuff do we need?  Ditch the storage unit. (It’s so 90’s.)  You can’t take it with you.  And you are not a seagull: the shiny necklaces and the fun totes are not going to make your life any better and are just cleaning out your bank account $9.99 at a time.  If you must purchase ephemeral garbage, at least go for the used stuff on eBay, craigslist, or in local thrift stores so that it is not encouraging production of even more foreign junk and is also preventing overfilling our landfills. 

And then stand on your desk (hopefully it is not from Pottery Barn) and proudly sing like The Boss.

They tell you to be there hours before your flight. Upon entering, they steal your water and any food you brought that they can stick their fingers in. You get forced to pay for a spot for your bags because you don’t understand their luggage fee scheme. (Aren’t they just going to misplace the bag anyway?) What to do? You are not going to stop traveling, so stop bending over and arm yourself with these secret weapons that TSA can’t confiscate with their rubber gloves.

Bring a Bottle of Water: So they won’t let you bring it through security full, but guzzle it before security and bring the empty bottle through with you. Once inside, fill it up at a water fountain. (Average savings: $3) Bonus: I board the plane with it full so I can stay hydrated throughout the flight, and many flight attendants will refill it on board.

Lounge Access: By flying the same airline, you accumulate rewards and can use them to get free airport lounge access. In these peaceful oases, they offer free drinks, snacks, and sometimes other amenities like internet, showers, and magazines/newspapers. If you do not have free access to the lounge, you can, in theory, (yes, I have done this) make friends with other travelers who do, since members can bring one to two companions with them. (Average savings: $20) Bonus: If you can recognize celebrities (I can’t), they sometimes hang out here (or so they tell me).

Baggage Fees: If you fly the same carrier and earn elite status, many airlines offer these “better” customers free checked bags. Normally, it takes just 5 coast-to-coast round trips in a calendar year to earn this status. Otherwise, you can pack strategically, wearing your bulkiest clothes on the plane and minimal other items in your carry-on.

Some items to help are Garment Guard disposable underarm shields, (under)Garment Guard disposable adhesive underwear, and White Collar Grime disposable collar protectors. (www.SolutionsThatStick.com) These enable you to keep key parts of your clothing clean so you can re-wear, cutting down on the amount of stuff you have to schlep. (Average savings: $30 between bag fees and cleaning bill)

Alternately, you can ship your bags ahead of time. UPS charges their normal rates if you put your suitcase in a box, or if you give it to them as is, they charge $7.50 per bag. Just allow for travel time. And on losing parcels, UPS has a way better track record than the airlines. My friend was flying to NYC with a lot of stuff. It only cost her $100 to ship two 64-pound bags to her hotel. She checked one on the plane for $15 and was able to take the subway into the city for $7 instead of paying $60 for the cab. (Savings: Second checked bag $15, overweight fee $25, 3rd bag $100= $193 each way!) Bonus: You can also do this if you go on a shopping spree away from home. Ask the stores if they will ship it for you.

Reading Material: If you don’t have any sitting around at home, ask someone around you to borrow one. And, if you have something you have finished, ask around to see if anyone wants it. I often give them to flight attendants, who are very grateful. (Average savings $8 plus possibilities of fresh-baked cookies and little booze bottles). Bonus: You might discover we declared war on Iraq, get a strange feeling of deja-vu, then suddenly realize that you borrowed a magazine from 2003, to great relief.

Pack a Lunch: It goes without saying that airport food is pretty ordinary with a pretty hefty price tag. Even if you are pressed for time, stop at Trader Joe’s or In-N-Out along the way and get some ready-made food. (Average savings: $10) Non-Bonus: Every Guatemalan leaving

Guatemala brings a bucket of Campero chicken on board, making the plane smell like a fast-food chain for the first half of the flight. The second half, it smells like something else, which is when I hand out Subtle Butt disposable gas neutralizers (www.subtlebutt.com, 5 for $9.95) to the ones seated closest to me.

Duty Free May be Free of Duty…: and it is normally free of good deals, too. On my last trip through Brisbane Airport, MAC black liquid eyeliner was about $24 when at home, it is $16.50. Check the prices at your normal stores before you go on a trip or do a little research on the prices at your destination. I steer clear of wines and champagnes in more developing countries because they are rarely stored correctly. But I do pick up a bottle or two of Stoli vodka in Central America for around $8/liter (best price I have ever seen).

Just don’t be tempted to shop because you are bored and have another two hours to wait for your flight. But if you do bust open the Stoli and wander into the designer duty-free boutiques, you might end up with a fantastically expensive outfit only a Russian could love. (Average savings: negative, but a priceless story : ))

You don’t have time to drop it off, so your dry cleaning pile grows. When you finally remember to pick it up, the doors are locked. You cringe at the high costs. You don’t like the smell. The stains you forgot to point out are still there. They can’t find your favorite shirt. It is terrible for the environment.

Most of us have our dry cleaning complaints. But taking care of expensive garments seems like such a daunting and time consuming task for someone who wants to break up with her cleaners. Not so, if you follow these easy steps.

Clean Less by Keeping Clean: There is always some degree of risk and cost involved in cleaning clothes so why not keep them from getting dirty in the first place? One option is to wear an undershirt, but that is impractical for some outfits. For those times, Garment Guard disposable underarm shields (www.garmentguard.com, 5 pairs $10.95) come in beige or black and just adhere to the armpit area of the garment to protect from sweat stains. They can remain in blazers for a few wearings, and they save whites from yellow pit stains. The same company, Solutions That Stick, also offers White Collar Grime (10 feet for $9.95) to place in collars and cuffs to keep ring-around-the-collar at bay.

Keep in mind that wool does not like to be cleaned. The more it is cleaned, the faster it deteriorates. So try and keep wool garments clean and simply spot treat them when necessary. Try hanging woolens outside or in a well-ventilated area to keep them smelling fresh.

Hand or Delicate Wash: According to apparel manufacturing guidelines, manufacturers only have to list one method of cleaning clothes. For ease, many put “dry clean only,” even though there are other, and sometimes better, options. For example, it is better to wash cashmere than to dry clean it because the chemicals break down the natural fibers. Use a mild detergent like Eucalan’s no-rinse delicate wash (www.eucalan.com, 500ml $11), which also saves water and time, in the sink or in the machine. When done, either hang dry your garments or lay them flat if the garment will stretch out while hanging wet. If there is any pilling, you can pick it off or use a hand-held electric fabric shaver.

Dryer Cleaning Kits: Several easy and inexpensive options are available for at-home garment cleaning (www.drugstore.com, Dryel starter kit $10.99). They clean garments using steam generated in your dryer, and could not be easier. Just place a few garments in the provided, reusable bag and toss in your dryer for about 30 minutes. Most garments, if removed and hung promptly, stay wrinkle-free and smell great.

Launder Instead of Dry Clean: For those people who are human hazards with the iron, it often makes health and economic sense to have nice cotton shirts professionally laundered and pressed. This is normally a less expensive alternative to dry cleaning, and better for your cotton shirts due to the natural fiber damaging chemicals in dry cleaning fluids. Many companies are also selling no-wrinkle shirts that you can launder yourself and can skip the ironing. (www.BrooksBrothers.com, $79.50 men $89.50 women)

Last Resort: If you do have delicate garments with a special finish, your lined suits, or other items you must dry clean, you might want to use The Clothesnik (www.reuseniks.com, $30) for garment transportation, but the cleaner has to want to cooperate to do something good for the environment. Just place your dirty pieces in the drawstring bag (I turn mine inside out) and drop off the entire bag at the cleaners. The cleaner can turn The Clothesnik over and use the other side as a hanging garment bag to return your cleaned garments, saving the world from all that icky plastic. If you choose to use it for shenanigans, there is a line on the bag for your super cool laundry pseudonym: I use Dirty Diana.