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By Kim Olenicoff, 28 April, 2010 5:01 pm

In public, at least, no one on the planet calls anyone Snookums, Sugar Bear, Babelicious, Muffin, and a host of other awful, almost-extinct pet names. But there are still some names that have survived and are in common use around me. Just this past weekend I was called three of these, much to my chagrin.

I was standing at the bar at The Saloon in town, minding my own Pino-O, when a good-looking young man behind me said, “Excuse me, Sweetheart. Can I get past you?” To which I exclaimed, mostly in surprise because I am about 0% sweet, “Sweetheart! Wo-ah!” He just looked at me like I was nuts. Happens.

Then, I got a short email from another strapping young man who addressed me as Darling. Darling? The last person I heard use that term was aspiring to be a true-life Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. (She did not succeed, by the way.)

oh, hello dah-ling

Finally, on Sunday night, an older, but still fun, hip, and normal woman kept calling me Hun. Last time I looked in the mirror, I did not look like a member of a marauding, nomadic Asiatic tribe.

I can understand why people would use a generic term of endearment when they forget someone’s name or never knew it in the first place. But why? Just omit the direct reference: “Will you please pass the donut?” Or make up something clever and crafty that suits the person specifically. For example, the hottie in the Saloon could have called me something obvious like “Pine-O sipper” or “hot buns” (sorry- just need to feel like my pilates is paying off) instead of Sweetheart. Or, if he must call people he doesn’t’ know Sweetheart, at least use a Humphrey Bogart accent.

Schweethardt

So that chronic pet-namers could have some universally applicable substitutions for the sickly sweet (and inapplicable) names they currently use, I have devised a carefully thought-out list:

“Excuse me, Homo.” (short for homo sapiens, which all humans are)
“Please pass the salt, Masticator.” (unless that person’s jaw is wired shut)
“Hey, you.” (can’t lose with the 2nd person)
“Take me to your leader, Earthling.” (soooo much better than Darling, and true!)

Now you might be thinking, “Surely you can’t be serious.”
I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

Rumack- don't call me Shirley

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By Kim Olenicoff, 27 January, 2010 11:33 am

We all agree that unsolicited email is a drain. Thankfully, technology such as spam filters keep out the obvious offenders, and the ability to turn off images spares us from raunchy photos that could slip through the filters. It wasn’t until yesterday, when I discovered an old email account I thought had been deactivated, that I realized I actually missed spam. I could not believe it myself, but I quickly went through a thousand subject lines and was giggling to myself at (1) the ridiculous translations into English, (2) the accusations that my penis was waaaayyyy too small , (3) the amount of cheap meds available, and (4) the pervasiveness of cheap “Authentic” watches.

So, to celebrate the phenomenon of this decade that replaced the car alarm as the single most annoying part of our daily lives, I have selected my favorite spam subject lines so all of you with great filters in place don not have to miss out on the fun. My comments are in parentheses.

Online Pharmacy ad

ErectileorganHumongousFern (good. I was looking for large, stiff plants.)

If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war (better talk to Eros about this one)

PuffyBodypartMadelyn (That Madelyn and her goiter!)

Jessica: (laughs) if aDick is very little, I’m like “Eeeeuuu…” (I didn’t add the “laughs.” (laughs))

Olny this 5 days special price on pharma for you dear customer (That doesn’t sound foreign at all.)

Now you can even parade your penis. (Just imagine it in the Rose Parade, right after Mountain View High School’s Marching Band)

DustyOutsizedErectileorgan (Dusty? Maybe it has been doing the parade route too long.)

Re:Fight for your success with a maid of your dream (Success in cleaning houses?)

You won’t need to hit your bank accounts to buy classy accessories! (We all know what happened last time I hit my bank accounts- they filed assault and battery charges)

increase your wife/gf 1-2 CUP-size LargerBreast Boobies 03kwpr327lqf (Who doesn’t want to increase her wife?)

Beat her womb with your new big rod, so that she knew who wears the pants! (So were you beating her womb while wearing pants?)

This is not a smoke stack but a real company (Whew! I get those two confused sometimes.)

21st century is the century for big penises. (Oh. I thought it was the century for technology. My bad.)

Communism (‘nuf said.)

Surprise your boyfriend/hubby, LARGER your SmallBreast ef9hna1mgntr (LARGER your budget for proper translations!)

I sexual Russian blonde, want to see, come closer. (I got so sick of those asexual Russian blondes.)

Now, if we could only tweak the filters so only the funny ones pass through…