Comments (0)

By Kim Olenicoff, 27 January, 2010 11:33 am

We all agree that unsolicited email is a drain. Thankfully, technology such as spam filters keep out the obvious offenders, and the ability to turn off images spares us from raunchy photos that could slip through the filters. It wasn’t until yesterday, when I discovered an old email account I thought had been deactivated, that I realized I actually missed spam. I could not believe it myself, but I quickly went through a thousand subject lines and was giggling to myself at (1) the ridiculous translations into English, (2) the accusations that my penis was waaaayyyy too small , (3) the amount of cheap meds available, and (4) the pervasiveness of cheap “Authentic” watches.

So, to celebrate the phenomenon of this decade that replaced the car alarm as the single most annoying part of our daily lives, I have selected my favorite spam subject lines so all of you with great filters in place don not have to miss out on the fun. My comments are in parentheses.

Online Pharmacy ad

ErectileorganHumongousFern (good. I was looking for large, stiff plants.)

If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war (better talk to Eros about this one)

PuffyBodypartMadelyn (That Madelyn and her goiter!)

Jessica: (laughs) if aDick is very little, I’m like “Eeeeuuu…” (I didn’t add the “laughs.” (laughs))

Olny this 5 days special price on pharma for you dear customer (That doesn’t sound foreign at all.)

Now you can even parade your penis. (Just imagine it in the Rose Parade, right after Mountain View High School’s Marching Band)

DustyOutsizedErectileorgan (Dusty? Maybe it has been doing the parade route too long.)

Re:Fight for your success with a maid of your dream (Success in cleaning houses?)

You won’t need to hit your bank accounts to buy classy accessories! (We all know what happened last time I hit my bank accounts- they filed assault and battery charges)

increase your wife/gf 1-2 CUP-size LargerBreast Boobies 03kwpr327lqf (Who doesn’t want to increase her wife?)

Beat her womb with your new big rod, so that she knew who wears the pants! (So were you beating her womb while wearing pants?)

This is not a smoke stack but a real company (Whew! I get those two confused sometimes.)

21st century is the century for big penises. (Oh. I thought it was the century for technology. My bad.)

Communism (‘nuf said.)

Surprise your boyfriend/hubby, LARGER your SmallBreast ef9hna1mgntr (LARGER your budget for proper translations!)

I sexual Russian blonde, want to see, come closer. (I got so sick of those asexual Russian blondes.)

Now, if we could only tweak the filters so only the funny ones pass through…